Conversations are like fishing

Life is a conversation, make it a good one

In keeping with my new year resolutions, I started meditating on how I can become a more sociable person. One of the core parts of being social is conversation, and while I have learned a lot about how to hold an engaging conversation, there is always one thing that I find difficult: How do you start a conversation in a natural way?

Per my definition, a good conversation is one where all participants enter a sort of flow state where ideas are exchanged without having to force them and where everyone feels heard and understood. Once you have entered such a flow conversation, there really is no difficulty in keeping it up. The problem I experience is that most conversations remain shallow, and that I cannot seem to get to that underlying depth without forcing the talk in that direction (e.g. by suddenly dropping a more difficult concept or asking an unprompted question about something personal). Although this does work for some people (it would work on me), a lot of people find this awkward, and can’t naturally open up after this.

After some careful thinking, I decided to ask a friend about some ways in which I could improve. The following is what I learned, and I wanted to meditate on this in order to improve myself.

A conversation is like fishing

My friend told me that a large part of his ability to start natural conversation lies in his ability to listen to what others have to say. He would start small talk about random things, and listen to how people respond. Once he heard something he could zone in on or could relate to, he would steer the conversation that way, such that both parties would have more to talk about. Eventually, the conversation would be opened up, and the rest would follow naturally.

The way I see this, the minds of people involved in a conversation are like a large, muddy pond, where the ideas, values, thoughts and interests are like the fish swimming in it. Most of these fish remain obscured by the troubled water, so there is no talking about them unless you take them out of the water. This is where small talk acts like your fishing pole. You throw it out into a pond, and hope that something bites.

This analogy showcases two things:

• It is important to be patient in conversations. Never try to rush things. What I was doing prior would be analogous to jumping into the pool in order to catch a fish with my bare hands. No wonder it could create some ripples in people’s minds!
• The tools you use for fishing are important. These tools, of course, being the things you try to talk about in your small talk. Talking about the weather would probably catch fish that are a little lesser in depth, as not many people feel much passion about these things. Honing your tools and creating interesting ice-breakers is the equivalent of using a sturdy rod for your fishing endeavors.

Besides this, people are also trying to fish into your pond. Keep this in mind and try to bite when someone casts into your pond, as this may also lead to interesting conversation.