“The saddest thing about love is not only that it cannot last forever, but that heartbreak is soon forgotten” [William Faulkner]
Last December, I broke up with my first serious partner. We had been together for 2 years by then, but we both agreed that it would be better for us to go our own ways. As it has now been 5 months already, I felt it was finally time to write down some of my meditations that came from this breakup. I was hesitant to post things too soon, as it could have been interpreted as either spiteful or bitter to post about my past relationship so soon after it ended. Of course, I don’t mean this post to be any of those things, and I’d like to reiterate that there has been no bad blood between us <3.
So then, let’s get into this post-mortum. I’d like to share some explorations on why the relationship didn’t work out, and why we stayed together for so long, coming from me of course. Ill keep the aftermath brief, as this is the least interesting part. I feel relieved now that we have broken up, and I have not really been missing her like I would have expected at first. Besides that, I can now say that I have more time than ever, which is also kind of nice. I have more time to spend with my friends, from which I can get my fair share of love and affection. I am doing well, and from what I’ve gathered, she is doing well also. I am glad, because we really did intend to part ways in a pleasant manner.
Of course, if things were pleasant at our parting, there must still have been a reason for us to break up. I won’t speak for her reasons, but I will attempt to explain my own, and also to delve into some of my shortcomings, as this would only be fair.
In terms of those shortcomings, one of the greatest ones was that I was so busy doing other things that I didn’t make time for her in a meaningful way. I can imagine she could sometimes feel like she was an afterthought, and in a way she kind of was sometimes. If I were to do things over again (which I definitely don’t intend to) I feel she would deserve more effort coming from me. I am not really the romantic type, and this is something at which I could have done a better job. I can imagine how it was enoying that she would make plans to spend time with me, only for me to be late or for me to have to spend some time doing something else while with her.
Besides this shortcoming, I feel that most of our “conflict” arose from the fact that we were not really made for eachother. For example, her communication is different from mine, and where I like writing in correspondence (hence the blog), she doesn’t like reading due to dyslexia (understandably) and where she likes showing acts of kindness and giving gifts, I am a man that shows little appreciation for those gestures or trinkets. Inherently, I think the biggest problem was the fact that we were incompatible in our way of love, and it took us a while to realise and even longer to act on this. Of course, this is how I perceived things at the time, and I don’t know what she was feeling exactly.
I should alos mention that I am quite a complicated person to love. Mostly because I can be a bit robotic in emotions, as I don’t really show many negative emotions or much empathy. Besides that, I can have trouble reading social cues, meaning I find it difficult to accommodate certain wants and/or needs in a relationship. I find it fair to mention this, and I commend my ex for staying patient through these traits for 2 years. It is, however, who I am, and I know from experience that I have grown as a person to such a degree that some of these traits can be quite difficult to detect in me nowadays. Sometimes, it felt like she had this idea of what I was good and bad at purely through what she knew about me from the past, and that she forgot to look at where I stand now.
There were some things that didn’t sit right with me personally though, and I did want to point these out. Looking back, it felt like she fell out of love with me around the 1 year mark. At that point, I started noticing more friction between us, and this was also the point from which I started to feel that my actions were actively bothering her sometimes. For those that know me, I can be quite a goofball, and I tend to look at the bright side of life. I am a positive thinker, and I can have quite some chipper and pazazz in the way I carry myself. When she was tired, this did ruffle her feathers a bit, and she could even feel embarrassed with me. Looking back, this was a red flag, as you should never be in a relationship with a partner that is embarrassed with you. You should be proud of your partner, and if you can’t present your partner with pride, it is hurtful for the both of you. Things got to such a bad degree that she felt really hesitant to introduce me to her classmates at university out of fear of me embarrassing her with my (big) personality, and this was quite hurtful to me, as I know just fine how to present myself. This gave me the feeling that she felt ashamed of me, and that I was like a skeleton she had kept in her closet. Looking back, moments like this were where I felt the most hurt while I was with her, and I should have broken up with her the moment she told me of her reasons for avoiding me.
To summarise this point, I feel like she lacked a certain degree of respect for me. Whenever we talked about accomplishments, I would be sure to cheer her on and tell her how proud of her I was, whereas she would sometimes trivialise my own accomplishments and make them seem like a lesser deal than they may have been. We spoke a different language in some regards, and whenever I would talk about my interests – (Besides that I would often get too technical, which is a mistake on my part) – I felt sad that I couldn’t be with someone who could share the same level of enthousiasm for life and some of my interests. I am an enjoyer of the simpler things, but those sometimes seemed a bit too simple for her. I can understand that everyone has their own demons to fight, but I simply cannot be with someone who doesn’t hold a positive or even loving attitude towards life and everything that happens. If I were to be with someone, I think I would need someone that is a little more laid-back, and who let’s things happen as they happen more easily. Whenever something would go wrong (or I did something wrong, because I am quite clumsy, haha), I would wince a little, not because of my own reaction, but because I was concerned for her reaction and how it would make her feel. It felt like everything was more complicated than it needed to be, and that is something that goes against my life philosophy.
The final straw in my patience with the relationship was that she admitted that she did not know if she even loved me anymore. We had talked about how talking to eachother could help her deal with her issues, and how she was afraid to lose these conversations, as they did help her along and because she found them useful in some way. And then realisation kicked in. She did not know if she loved me, but was keeping me around because she didn’t have anyone better to talk to. Although this may not have been exactly how she felt, it was in large part the implication she gave me, and although there was nothing wrong with this, I also realised that what she offered me was more of what a friend would offer than what a partner would offer. That was when I decided that we should break up. And so we did, and I feel we both ended up happier because of it.
Although she may not have loved me entirely at the end, I did still have strong feelings for her (otherwise, I wouldn’t have waited so long). I was, however, surprised with how fast I was able to let these feelings of love go. It felt like I was caught up my feelings for not even a day before I was back to normal, and even better in some ways because the doubt of where the relationship was headed was released. At first, I felt like this was a bad thing, and like I didn’t give enough respect to such a long relationship. Now, I can see that it was mostly because the breakup was a long time coming, which softened the blow a lot. Besides that, I have never really been that sentimental, and just like I was able to create love for her out of nothing, it was released into nothing just as easily.
Afterwards, I did not really feel like looking for a new partner. We talked and joked about how I would be able to get a partner very quickly after the breakup, but this was a misjudgement on her part, as I am currently not even looking for a new relationship and I think I won’t be looking for quite a while. I don’t really miss the things a relationship bring, and will write a new post about my stance on love in due time. The TL;DR is that love to me may not actually be something that comes in the form of romance, and may be something broader as a whole. She has helped me understand this about myself, and although I may not have the most vibrant memories of our relationship, I do view it as a net positive overall, and wouldn’t trade those years for the world. It has taught me more about love, caring for others and about myself, and this is something that is very valuable to me. I may have lost a friend, but I have gained a lot in return.
I think I have gone over everything I wanted to talk about in this post. Love can be a complicated thing, and I wanted to put the emphasis of this post on the Why of the breakup, and on How I handled things. Besides this being a final affirmation that everything is going well on my part (although most people I speak with regularly already know this), it is also a little reflection. Maybe this can help you realise that not everything in your relationship is going smoothly, or that everything is, and maybe it gives you some food for thought to think about (together?).
One final time, all love goes out to the lovers in the world, and I don’t mean to be spiteful or vengeful or hateful to my ex. Though I may have many answers to some questions in life, love has been something that eluded me for a while, and this relationship has helped me become more familiar with the world of romance. For that, I am grateful <3. Now that I can let this part of the breakup go, I will be focussing more on the wisdom I have gained from this relationship in (a?) future post(s?). If you have your own wisdoms or insights to share, or if you want to ask any questions, feel free to reach out!