My solitude doesn’t depend on the presence or absence of people; on the contrary, I hate who steals my solitude without, in exchange, offering me true company. – Nietzsche
Solitude is a tricky thing. On the one hand, I strive to find peace in solitude, and the time I spend with myself is among the most peaceful time I can have. On the other, I recognise that a certain balance needs to be struck between relying on friends and relying on self. Both love of your neighbours and love of solitude can come from resentment of yourself. Truly, our company can be solitude when it is an escape from the self, for how can we be present if we have fled? And similarly, our solitude can become numbing if the “I” escapes the self, for how can we feel if we have fled?
I am starting to arise from cold slumber, and I find myself surrounded by void. Oh, how carefully I must walk, let alone run, if my legs are still numb! And how carefully I must look at my surroundings in this deep dark! I must keep my wit about me in this fever, lest the words I utter be ones of resentment, not love! It is an easy mistake to make; are love and resentment not entirely too similar? What I hate most in you is that I love you most, cries resentment. Through resenting you I see the beauty in you, cries love.
In becoming who I am, I must not let my contemplation be my condemnation. My will speaks to me, and I want to become a person who revels both in solitude and company. Then, I must not resent solitude and company as it stands before me, but I must love solitude and company as I will it to stand before me! In reinventing my values of company and solitude, I must choose to do so out of love, not resentment.
What this thinking has led me to, is that I want to reinvent what it means for me to be in solitude and to be in company. Not to be contrarian or anything, but I feel that I should not base my social self-worth on what society expects of me socially. I have the power to choose the way in which I evaluate social encounters, and what I expect out of myself in company should come from myself, not from this company. I should also not choose to be in solitude because I fear company, nor should it be out of a resentful way of thinking. In actuality, company and solitude should eventually become one. They should become the act of being surrounded by the things I hold love for, be it myself, others or even the world around me. Then, there should be flow about it, not struggle.
An example where solitude comes from resentment instead of love: Although romance to me is a difficult topic on which I am still meditating, I can sometimes feel that compared to my peers I am a little too eccentric to be loved romantically. I am still finding out whether romance is even something to be wished in life (my current stance is to be like an ocean), but I often have feelings of not even wanting to consider anyone romantically ever. A part of this stems from my inability to understand truly the difference between romantic and platonic love, but it can also stem from a resentment towards others for not being fully able to love me for who I am. My seeking of romantic solitude, however, should stem from a love of self and freedom, not from any form of resentment or doubt!
An example where company comes from resentment instead of love: Although I usually seek crowds because of my love for others, it may sometimes happen that I am tired and fighting ideas I have conquered long ago. One large part of this can be an anxiety towards my own social abilities, creating resentment for self. In doing so, I seek out other people, not out of love for them, but to make myself feel better. Now, talking to people about your problems is a whole different story, as this is also a sign of love towards others by showing your respect and trust to talk openly towards them. But the main way of seeking company out of resentment from my experience is when I seek to validate myself towards others without being open about this. Luckily, I am able to catch this quite often, but when I am not being mindful, it can be something I do.
Anyway, this meditation has been going on long enough. Mostly because this is a topic I have much to say about. Although I am quite certain about my metaphysical stance on the world, a lot of my beliefs and values around my day-to-day life are not yet refined, and especially my social side can still use quite some developing. Because of this, I cannot be as concise as I’d like when it comes to topics like these. Anyway, this meditation has been going on long enough.